Something New....Someday

I build prisons for myself Walls that contain me, With windows that open Doors with hinges Doors Without locks  Yet still I remain. I become my own jailer And a ruthless one at times All the days I never let me outside I dream of clouds  I dream of sky I dream of blue heron  And butterflies  I can taste the raspberries And the rosemary bush I can remember what it is  to be alive I build walls in my mind With comfortable chains At home on my skin I’ve been wearing them so long  I feel naked without them I build prisons Yet I am the one who is contained.  7/22/18

I know I live in an objective reality, because I'm constantly commenting on the beauty around me. but the truth is an entirely different notion. Things are neither one or the other. Dualism is determined on our sheer wonder of the object, itself. in this moment. I choose the vision of reality where all things are beautiful. We live in a culture defined by labels and designations. Encouraging A lack of identity-flexibility, with a lockdown personality. I want to stay open to who I am and be open to what that might be but upon introduction, I'm expected to make claims about myself in concrete terms. I find myself contradicting myself, slowly, with everything I end up identifying with. I can't live in a world where we only hear the hero's side of the tail. The hero is driven by god, they say, but is their triumph the whole truth? If god created all things, Then villains and monsters have also been touched by heavenly masters. Were they placed he

I am mourning the death of my god. Like Isis, after fucking a golden prick. I am waiting for the new messiah to be birthed from me. But, So it Seems, The Lord did not seem to have the foresight to give me a womb. And so the Messiah sleeps, Calcified into a pearl inside of me. waiting for someone to disembowel me for the precious Christ within.

I wake up alone, But in my dreams you held me. I'll be bringing your arms into my day from dreams I wake up alone, But I wake up to your words running through me. I'll be bringing those cherished verses into my day like prayers from pursed lips. You enter, from dreams, into my arms at night and in the morning I find you in my bed I wake to the sun resting on the amber skin of your cheeks. Your Tiger's Eye gaze pierces my soul like scrying mirrors. I'm in a haze of cannabis and the entangled hair between us two, high off of your heart, and slipping softly into dreams

What does that look like? Retrieving the nine fragments from my heart, taken from my 9 lovers? What spell will entice those parts of me to return? What veins can I cast to bring the flow of blood towards them, so they know the way home? Perhaps some fragments have already returned to me, while others are still jealously kept Some lovers received different sized fragments, and the largest one is a hope diamond placed in another’s palm. I know that the heart responds to song And so perhaps With enough music in my soul I might lead those precious stars home to complete me as a constellation.

I didn't realize I'd still be sad after all this time. I guess that's just the way things are now An entire new space in my heart has been reserved for the sadness that we've now acquired. I still picture you at our bedroom window with the spring sunset light on your face A cup of tea to your lips as you look out over the valley and it still feels like home feels like home I feel slightly off balance in my emotional state I've been stumbling around and knocking open my fear and anxiety I only really feel like myself when I'm alone in my room but I still crave for touch, I crave to be held. I remember driving down a dirty desert road with the autumn sunset light on your face With my hand in yours Listening to Peter Gabriel recite The Book of Love. We were forever locked in that moment, I'll never let that part of my heart leave me. I feel like half a person these days that Ill never be understood by another the way you understood me. Sl