Free writing and Re writing into Naritive unstructure, Trying to Trancend.

I have become frightened of my own existence
It is as if I suddenly woke up from a dream, but that dream was all i knew.
Eating, drinking, money, clothing seems ridiculous and redundant.
I am aware of my own mortality, my frail skin, and blood.I can feel my organs moving
as i ingest, I'm aware of the cold raising my hair, creating goosebumps.

I have full Knowledge that one day i will die with  unanswered questions of why was I born. Where do I go? My dreams are more real than this place of awakening.Yet the dreams that i have feel more like dreams within dreams, and upon awaking it feels more like a transition into a new dream than an awakening. The inconsistencies make more sense than the more solid, and slow changing world we live in. the maze
That I find myself in, like wind up toy that suddenly gains existential awareness, and wonders what happens when you pull out his key.

I have brief memories, of an existence where I am not me, and there is none of this. It feels more like the dream state that waking life. And even in my dreams i have people who tell me that the dreams are the real life, and that the "waking world" is the illusion of imagination. In this state, although fleeting, I am frightened. Frightened to go back into the waking world and face the constent faces, the faces that don't change when it suits them. These people, with these faces, so rigid that the only way you can see that they have changed at all is if you pull up photographs of younger days, or watch the age pass on their faces throughout the years.In fact when looking into the mirror, you notice only so often that you yourself have changed at all. Day after day, your face stays the same. Oh, there will be a blemish that wasn't there before, you may shave your face, cut your hair, but you still see yourself. it's until you have gotten so old that you look in a mirror and ask "is that really me? how is this really me?" that you realize that you move so slowly, the faces are still changing, and it is more horrifying than when the faces change so much more quickly in dreams.
In these moments, i feel the urgency to return back into the womb. to fall back into the first place where i belonged.

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         I woke up from a dream. I dreamed that i was living in ancient times, yet those ancient times took place in the here and now times. Bombs were exploding, Guns were being shot, and i was enlisted with a group of the spiritual rebellion. We fought all day, all night, and slept in the ruins of our temples. During a particularly peaceful night the leader of our group, A Spiritual woman who knew the secrets of old, gathered us together to speak of the time before time began. This was the final initiation to our order, and we were all giddy with excitement to hear the words that were spoken.

"In the beginning, The Creator formed spheres to make the heavens, the first one he created with Fire. He blessed it with his name and ignited the sphere in the void and created light into it. The other spheres he created out of clay and water, making each unique, and placed each aside in rest to continue creating the next. 

A trickster came from the void, and saw the light that emanated from the void and was drawn to the little clay spheres. Being a jealous god, he stole one of the clay spheres, picking the third from the light, seeing as it was the most beautiful to choose from, due to the large oceans and landmasses, and it being the only one to have plants and animals.This third sphere, he changed only so slightly. The first is that he gave it a name, Earth, and the second change, was that he created his own animal to place upon it. This Animal would have the same kind of awareness as he, with the same disposition to be mischievous. This animal The Trickster named Man, and designated himself over the beings as the Lord. he then placed the earth back with the others and set it into motion with a great spin, sending the earth spinning on it's side around the light.

The lesson to be learned of this, is to know who the true lord is.

The Trickster who stole the earth and set it around the sun, and formed the creation of Man, his true name is Jehovah  meaning "Lord".

The Creator who Made the Earth before man, and Brought light to the universe by Creating the Sun, his true name is Lucifer Meaning "Bringer of Light". 

This story explains why the worship of the lord, has sent man in mischievous ways, while the worship of the sun, has brought light upon the world"

And i Awake upon this dream in the middle of the night, stirring in my bed, and looked over to my wife. She sleeps still in the middle of the night and what she dreams, is unknown to me. I roll towards her and kiss her cheek, place my arms around her body, and fall back asleep to dream another dream. 

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In the morning i am having a cup of tea, English Breakfast, without cream or sugar. I pick up the cup from the saucer, take a deep drink, exhausting half of it in one sitting, and place it back on the saucer. There is a bowl of fruit besides my tea. Bananas, Watermelon, cantaloupe, and grapes sitting together in a porcelain bowl perfectly sliced by machines, packaged in plastic vacuumed bags, ripped open and then placed into my porcelain bowl. I look at the label on the plastic bag.

"Fresh Fruit" it says. 

My Eyes start to wander down towards the Ingredients section. there are much more than fruit ingredients listed, so i avert my gaze and try to focus on something else, something less strange than "Fresh Fruit". 

My job. Today is Monday, and today i give the day over to my job. 8 hours behind a computer answering phones for the internet company. Customers who are upset by the outrageous prices we are charging, and continue to hike up every few months. the price just grows slower and slower, and we encourage an autopay function for "Worry Free" bill payments, all the while, slowly slowly increasing the price of their service.