Vision of Religious Guilt

I Was deep in meditation the night before last. In my vision I was taken back into my childhood feeling of religious guilt. I kept seeing my path I was living, and I saw that according to my childhood belief system, I was on the devils road. Normally I don't think this way, and I fell very happy and comfortable with how i usually run my life. I feel that I am a good person, who gets to choose his own way and likes to explore a variety of options in spirituality and god. But because i was lost in my childhood belief system, I was feeling guided down the devils path. I realized that this system that i held so true in my past was actually forcing me to choose a deity and forcing me to worship something, but out of fear, not out love or any sort of spiritual devotion. I thought that I had worked out these issues. I thought that I was over my religious guilt. Apparently, I was not. I kept having to fight with myself. I kept having to tell myself that I was not ready to choose a deity to worship, and that I would not be forced just because i was scared of evil. But I kept getting the childhood axiom that stated that it was better to choose the devils side, than to choose no side at all. This has been a life long struggle with me. I remember that my first memory involved a dream in which i was suspended over a bottomless pit, holding a rope. I was then forced to choose to go with one of two beautiful women, One that represented all the good in the world, and the other who represented all the evil. Both were beautiful and appealing and I knew they could both give me power. But I never could decide which to choose and would always end up falling down the pit. I had this dream what seems like a million of times and I never chose. I always fell. Now that I'm older, (without realizing it) i am still in this same predicament. I Believe in the possibility of deities, and know that they have a certain power to them regardless of they are "Real" or not. But I do not want to worship any of them, good or evil due to the severity and seriousness that that would entail. I feel that I keep coming back to this problem. Do i choose to worship a god because I am afraid that if I don't that I am worse off than choosing the wrong one? I think that is incredibly unfair and truly unrealistic. There are so many gods out there that people can associate with and have power in their worship, but do i choose one halfheartedly because if I don't that means I worship Satan? The struggle is real, and even after spending a decade outside of my childhood religion, I still find myself hardwired to their religious belief systems. Right now I need to make a stand, Not to believe in god out of fear that I will be punished otherwise, but that I have a true connection with and can give real devotion. I really just don't know what that god is, or if they even have a name.

Comments

  1. KathyMay 1, 2016 at 2:18 PM

    I think that it's something that you need to decide for yourself. It's ultimately what I had to do for myself. I always for years kind of rode on the "coat tails" of Grandpa and Grandmas Testimonies. It wasn't until I really was on my own, when they were on their missions, and I had to fend for myself, and actually had a little freedom, that I started to "find my own way." I will be brutally honest. I struggle a lot, sometimes, so I'm not going to be someone to tell you what to do. But there will be those moments, when I will all of a sudden have an "KABOOM". (My version of an Aha, moment,) where something will tell me,that yes, here you are, I'm here with you. Ask me, the next time you see me, and I'll tell you.. No, I'm not going to preach to you. Or else call me, and I'll tell you, I'm not going to leave it in a comment. But sometimes, it's someone, we've both lost..Ha! I just TOLD you!

    ReplyDelete
  2. KathyMay 1, 2016 at 2:19 PM

    You do know you are loved...RIGHT?!

    ReplyDelete

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