Bristlecone Pines at Wheeler Peak
Last Weekend I went on a camping trip with my father.
Me and my Father have had a hard time seeing eye to eye, and this has caused a lot of issues in our relationship over the years. I grew up the only boy in a family of 4 children. All my Life I saw the strength and care of the women around me, from my mother who was our main provider, to the leadership of my older sister who paved the way for novelty, and my younger sister who showed me that caring and love was the most important thing in life, and my youngest sister who taught me to embrace creativity and art. In seeing these strong women in my life, I have always valued my femininity, and as I entered my teens, I abandoned a lot of the masculine traits that were so valued by my father. Gender roles were never my friend, and I showed that I could be an amazing person without liking sports or following other masculine norms.
My father, I feel always wanted a son that he could relate with, Go on camping trips, go to sports games, and do guy stuff. But I have never been one to follow the crowd, and decided to wear women's clothing and dress "inappropriate" to my gender, but what I felt was appropriate to my creativity.
As I found myself creativity, My Father became threatened that his son would become something less than desirable. He though that I would be gay (which would be the absolute worst thing he could think of). This lead to a lot of tension between me and my father, and we got in a lot of shouting matches and unspoken anger between the two of us.
We have sense come to terms with each other, but there has always been wounds that have never fully healed because of the words we have said, and the disappointment that has hung over our relationship.
We decided to go on a father son camping trip, because it had been years sense we spent that kind of time together. I asked him where he wanted to go, and he let me know that he wanted to see the Bristle-cone Pines in Great Basin National monument just over the boarder from Delta UT. into Nevada. These trees are the some of the oldest organisms on the planet. I asked him why he chose to go here, but all he told me was that he just had never seen them before. I had a theory of my own. My dad is slowly dying. He has to go get dialysis twice a week to drain his blood and clean it due to his extensive issues with diabetes. He is very much out of shape, and is slowly dying as much as he is living at this point. I think that he wanted to have a taste of something that was much larger than him, To taste Immortality if even for a moment, and connect with something that god had designed as a permanent installation.
We Drove up the 3 hours to Delta Utah, Spent the night in a sorry Days Inn Motel, and then drove our way up to border of Nevada and slowly winded our way up to the top of Wheeler peak where a grove of these majestic Bristle Cone Pines were supposed to be. We found a little camping spot, Claimed it, and drove to the parking lot to start a 2.3 mile hike to view the Bristle cone grove.
My Dad chose this spot, and I have a sneaking suspicion that he chose this spot because of the seaming immortality of the trees. with his looming mortality becoming more of a reality, I think he wanted to be able to touch something that has withstood history and will live forever as far as the human mind is concerned. A chance to touch the tree of life.
when we got to the site, he told me the last thing i would ever think to hear from him. He told me that he wanted to go on a hike. 3 round trip miles doesn't seem to far, we could easily do that and see these majestic trees. I was surprised, but not discouraging. If Dad wanted to go on this hike, I wasn't going to stop him, and in fact, I would do everything I could to help it be done.
When we started the journey I quickly realized that we may not get to the top of this trail. Dad stopped about every 150 - 300 steps and would have to sit down for about 10-15 min at a time. Slow and steady we made our way up, and as he sat, I was able to look around at the trees, Find tree sap, and taste it's sugary nectar, find sprouting mushrooms in fairy rings, and listen to the wind blow through the trees. as we both sat and basked in these experiences, I would keep an eye out for the next place to sit, and we would make a goal to the next place to rest. more often than not, we would make the goal we sought, and relish in our excitement every time we got further. We thought that we HAD to have gotten at least a mile, and that we HAD To be so close! I kept an eye out for these legendary pines that would grow in split trunks and spindly branches, but they were staying elusive. Finally, just over an hour into our journey, I ventured a bit up ahead to see if i could make out where we might be. I found about 800 feet away, that we finally had a Bristelcone pine in our reaches! I studied it and made sure that i was not just fooling myself. The Trunk was not like the other pines around, and this one was growing out of the rocks like the bristle-cones were known to do. I raced down the trail and let him know that we had finally reached a bristle-cone! and he made extra effort to go a bit faster to reach this pine. Sure enough, when we got there, he was incredibly tired, but managed to scrutinize the tree and analyzed weather or not it was bristle-cone. A smile crept onto his face as he gave it his approval as a genuine Bristlecone pine tree. We were still not at the grove yet though, and as we trekked on another half hour, we found a sign that let us know that the trail that we were only 0.7 miles in and that we still had about 0.8 miles left to go till we got to the grove itself. We were not even half way to the grove.
I looked at Dad, and he looked at me as I spoke my findings to him, and with regret and sadness in his eyes, he let me know that he was just not physically able to make it all the way there. I understood, It had already been an hour and a half of hiking and with our pace, it would take us 6 hours to get to the grove and back. Reluctantly, we decided to turn around. Before we did however, Dad decided to sit next to the tree for a while. I gave him some alone time and trekked another 0.2 miles to a nearby lake called Lake Stella, and sat for a min reflecting in thanks for being able to get at least this far. I thanked the peak that we were headed for the journey up, for the strength that only a mountain could give to Dad to get to at least one Bristle-cone.
I walked down to meet up with dad, and we began to descend the mountain, With a bit quicker pace going down, but still quite slow and steady. By the time we were back in the car, it had been a total of 3 hours of hiking. We drove back to our camping site and I assisted in making dad a dinner hamburgers, pan grilled over the fire, and I ate a bag of salad.
There were many things said over the fire that night, but the topic was clear on what was said. My father was asking for forgiveness. He apologized to me for all the hurt he has caused me growing up. He said that his biggest regret is that he feels like he never could understand how I went about things. Because I wasn't the son he imagined, and he thought he knew best, He acted in ways that he thought were good, but ended up becoming detrimental in my growth. I told him that I had already forgiven him for the hurt he caused me, and I asked for his forgiveness for all the paid I had cuased him, Not living up to the standards that he thought were best, and he told me that none of that matters now, because even though he does not understand my ways, my morals, my standards, that he knows that I am a good man, and that he is proud of me. These words set me free. I never realized how much I needed to hear my father tell me that he loves me, and is proud of who I am.
These were words that i almost never thought I would hear, and now here they were, My father asking my forgiveness for the way that he has treated me. I knew that in my heart that I had already over come those problems with him, but it was never said. I always dreamed of being able to have that moment of forgiveness with my father, but never thought we would make the time to let it be said. There was too much pain behind those words, too much blame that was never able to be accepted. Now we both must have matured, for we both accepted our actions and our share of blame. I realized then, that I had the opportunity to do what so many men would wish to do, and that was to tell my father that I love him, and that I was proud of him, and for him to tell me the same. I think the mountain gave both of us strength that day, The kind of strength that only a mountain could give.
Me and my Father have had a hard time seeing eye to eye, and this has caused a lot of issues in our relationship over the years. I grew up the only boy in a family of 4 children. All my Life I saw the strength and care of the women around me, from my mother who was our main provider, to the leadership of my older sister who paved the way for novelty, and my younger sister who showed me that caring and love was the most important thing in life, and my youngest sister who taught me to embrace creativity and art. In seeing these strong women in my life, I have always valued my femininity, and as I entered my teens, I abandoned a lot of the masculine traits that were so valued by my father. Gender roles were never my friend, and I showed that I could be an amazing person without liking sports or following other masculine norms.
My father, I feel always wanted a son that he could relate with, Go on camping trips, go to sports games, and do guy stuff. But I have never been one to follow the crowd, and decided to wear women's clothing and dress "inappropriate" to my gender, but what I felt was appropriate to my creativity.
As I found myself creativity, My Father became threatened that his son would become something less than desirable. He though that I would be gay (which would be the absolute worst thing he could think of). This lead to a lot of tension between me and my father, and we got in a lot of shouting matches and unspoken anger between the two of us.
We have sense come to terms with each other, but there has always been wounds that have never fully healed because of the words we have said, and the disappointment that has hung over our relationship.
We decided to go on a father son camping trip, because it had been years sense we spent that kind of time together. I asked him where he wanted to go, and he let me know that he wanted to see the Bristle-cone Pines in Great Basin National monument just over the boarder from Delta UT. into Nevada. These trees are the some of the oldest organisms on the planet. I asked him why he chose to go here, but all he told me was that he just had never seen them before. I had a theory of my own. My dad is slowly dying. He has to go get dialysis twice a week to drain his blood and clean it due to his extensive issues with diabetes. He is very much out of shape, and is slowly dying as much as he is living at this point. I think that he wanted to have a taste of something that was much larger than him, To taste Immortality if even for a moment, and connect with something that god had designed as a permanent installation.
We Drove up the 3 hours to Delta Utah, Spent the night in a sorry Days Inn Motel, and then drove our way up to border of Nevada and slowly winded our way up to the top of Wheeler peak where a grove of these majestic Bristle Cone Pines were supposed to be. We found a little camping spot, Claimed it, and drove to the parking lot to start a 2.3 mile hike to view the Bristle cone grove.
My Dad chose this spot, and I have a sneaking suspicion that he chose this spot because of the seaming immortality of the trees. with his looming mortality becoming more of a reality, I think he wanted to be able to touch something that has withstood history and will live forever as far as the human mind is concerned. A chance to touch the tree of life.
when we got to the site, he told me the last thing i would ever think to hear from him. He told me that he wanted to go on a hike. 3 round trip miles doesn't seem to far, we could easily do that and see these majestic trees. I was surprised, but not discouraging. If Dad wanted to go on this hike, I wasn't going to stop him, and in fact, I would do everything I could to help it be done.
When we started the journey I quickly realized that we may not get to the top of this trail. Dad stopped about every 150 - 300 steps and would have to sit down for about 10-15 min at a time. Slow and steady we made our way up, and as he sat, I was able to look around at the trees, Find tree sap, and taste it's sugary nectar, find sprouting mushrooms in fairy rings, and listen to the wind blow through the trees. as we both sat and basked in these experiences, I would keep an eye out for the next place to sit, and we would make a goal to the next place to rest. more often than not, we would make the goal we sought, and relish in our excitement every time we got further. We thought that we HAD to have gotten at least a mile, and that we HAD To be so close! I kept an eye out for these legendary pines that would grow in split trunks and spindly branches, but they were staying elusive. Finally, just over an hour into our journey, I ventured a bit up ahead to see if i could make out where we might be. I found about 800 feet away, that we finally had a Bristelcone pine in our reaches! I studied it and made sure that i was not just fooling myself. The Trunk was not like the other pines around, and this one was growing out of the rocks like the bristle-cones were known to do. I raced down the trail and let him know that we had finally reached a bristle-cone! and he made extra effort to go a bit faster to reach this pine. Sure enough, when we got there, he was incredibly tired, but managed to scrutinize the tree and analyzed weather or not it was bristle-cone. A smile crept onto his face as he gave it his approval as a genuine Bristlecone pine tree. We were still not at the grove yet though, and as we trekked on another half hour, we found a sign that let us know that the trail that we were only 0.7 miles in and that we still had about 0.8 miles left to go till we got to the grove itself. We were not even half way to the grove.
I looked at Dad, and he looked at me as I spoke my findings to him, and with regret and sadness in his eyes, he let me know that he was just not physically able to make it all the way there. I understood, It had already been an hour and a half of hiking and with our pace, it would take us 6 hours to get to the grove and back. Reluctantly, we decided to turn around. Before we did however, Dad decided to sit next to the tree for a while. I gave him some alone time and trekked another 0.2 miles to a nearby lake called Lake Stella, and sat for a min reflecting in thanks for being able to get at least this far. I thanked the peak that we were headed for the journey up, for the strength that only a mountain could give to Dad to get to at least one Bristle-cone.
I walked down to meet up with dad, and we began to descend the mountain, With a bit quicker pace going down, but still quite slow and steady. By the time we were back in the car, it had been a total of 3 hours of hiking. We drove back to our camping site and I assisted in making dad a dinner hamburgers, pan grilled over the fire, and I ate a bag of salad.
There were many things said over the fire that night, but the topic was clear on what was said. My father was asking for forgiveness. He apologized to me for all the hurt he has caused me growing up. He said that his biggest regret is that he feels like he never could understand how I went about things. Because I wasn't the son he imagined, and he thought he knew best, He acted in ways that he thought were good, but ended up becoming detrimental in my growth. I told him that I had already forgiven him for the hurt he caused me, and I asked for his forgiveness for all the paid I had cuased him, Not living up to the standards that he thought were best, and he told me that none of that matters now, because even though he does not understand my ways, my morals, my standards, that he knows that I am a good man, and that he is proud of me. These words set me free. I never realized how much I needed to hear my father tell me that he loves me, and is proud of who I am.
These were words that i almost never thought I would hear, and now here they were, My father asking my forgiveness for the way that he has treated me. I knew that in my heart that I had already over come those problems with him, but it was never said. I always dreamed of being able to have that moment of forgiveness with my father, but never thought we would make the time to let it be said. There was too much pain behind those words, too much blame that was never able to be accepted. Now we both must have matured, for we both accepted our actions and our share of blame. I realized then, that I had the opportunity to do what so many men would wish to do, and that was to tell my father that I love him, and that I was proud of him, and for him to tell me the same. I think the mountain gave both of us strength that day, The kind of strength that only a mountain could give.
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